aristocrats joke script
Oh, dear! [offscreen]Any last words? Why, you won't believewhat they tried to doto your poor old Uncle Waldo! I'm doin' fine! Roquefort:[ Breathing Hard ]No trouble, he said. Here we go. Duchess? Oh, sorry, my dear. The zygote goes through a process of becoming an. But, anyway, he says, "What is it called?" Mark Elliott: It's Disney's award-winning, completely computer-animated smash hit. Thieves: [singing] Scheming up a scam, out on a limb. O'Malley:Wellguess they won'tneed me any more. Right off your cuff. Lafayette: I still say it wasa little old cricket bug. It probes the darkest, sickest places of the It's just beyondthat next chimney pot. [Backfiiring Continues][Engine Sputtering,Backfiring][Engine Backfiring]. Lafayette:How come you always grabthe tender part for yourself, man? Oh, no! An amazing three-dimensional adventure. Frou-Frou: [ Chuckles ]You're quite welcome, young man. WebTHE JOKE LEADS ME DOWN ONE PATH, AND THEN IT SWITCHES THE PATH ON ME SUDDENLY, AND IT HITS ME WITH A HAMMER. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Come along, Duchess. O'Malley: Look, baby, it's late, okay? (offscreen)Four. Toulouse: Why didn't I answer? Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:Yes, yes, of course,but you know what to do. Duchess: Why, Mr. O'Malley,you could have lost your life. Step on the gas, Napoleon! Roquefort:Oh, boy! Yes. My bad. Copyright 2023 Penske Business Media, LLC. Amelia: You will never learn to swim properlywith that willow branch in your mouth. The aristocrats is a terminal movie. It doesn't matter what it's called! Uncle Waldo: [Screaming]Abigail! You just hide over there and youleave the rest to J. Thomas O'Malley. [Screaming]Yeow! Mario Cantone: In my show, I'm gonna sit on top of the piano and fit the whole thing in my vagina. Doug Stanhope: [in front of his infant child] and I push it into her unwilling anus. Oh, my gracious! Toulouse: Gee, Marie, why'd youhave to fall off the bridge? Over a hundred comedians are invited to discuss the joke and the role of taboos in humour. Roquefort:Duchess! Obviously a philanderer who trifleswith unsuspecting women's hearts. Say "cheese. Sounds like Scat Cat andhis gang have dropped by. Where--And somebody stolemy bumber shoot! She'd always say that we'rethe greatest treasure she could own. Meee-owww! Edgar, old chap, get used tothe finer things of life. They're the one's who rescued you from drowning. Where did the blood come from? We can bring in people from the past, because we can do that now you know they got those commercials with Humphrey Bogart and all that other bullshit. O'Malley:You know, they need--Well, you know, a sort--Well, a sort ofa--Well, a father around. Uncle Waldo: [Laughter]Now, now, now, now. Duchess: Why, Mr. O'Malley,you are amazing! Merrill Markoe: They have sex in a kiddie pool full of beef entrails and aborted fetuses. [ Hiccups ]. I've got to getthose things back tonight. Poppycock, man! The joke was the subject of a 2005 documentary film of the same name. [Genie Jafar throws a fireball at the screen, and the screen fades from white, revealing the "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves" logo] "Aladdin 3: The King of Thieves". This joke was met with boos and jeers of "too soon." Scat Cat: [to the others]I don't dig him. Madame Adelaide Bonfamille: Marie, my little one,you're going to be as beautifulas your mother. This is not a joke, this would go on TV. Which pets are knownto never show their claws? IT'S JUST, "HERE WE GO, FOLKS." The Aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. That was very nice of you. Roquefort: Well, yes. Scram! [ Chuckles ]Not as spry as I waswhen I was 80, eh? [After the Walt Disney Pictures logo, silent clips of "Aladdin" and "Aladdin 2" are shown]. Mark Elliott: "Aladdin 3" features five brand-new songs and reunites all your favorite characters from "Aladdin". Because no one is gonna book this show! The aristocrats is a notoriously filthy joke using scatological humor. Marie:[offscreen]Abraham de Lacy Giuseppe Casey! [Shrieking] What's going on?! I just want to say now if any of you people who are watching this: if you're having sex with your family I don't condone it. Duchess: [Laughing]Bravo! These are my children. Duchess: Another flight intothe fantasy, Monsieur O'Malley? [The movie logo appears] "The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh". [ Chuckling ]. Kittens! He's got a very huge wiener. Shall we keep himin the family? Abigail: Yes. Duchess:[offscreen]Oh, never mind, Marie. Smile. Hugo: Pour the wine and (farts with his armpit 3 times) cut the cheese! You don't suppose--. 7:01. Kyle?! Amelia: Oh! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:My home for allthe alley cats of Paris. [baby begins to cry] Yeah I didn't like it that much myself. Then, at the endof their life span,my entire estatewill revert to Edgar. Marie: Ooh, that would be wonderful, sir! Until gottfried, the aristocrats was mostly an inside joke among comedians. Then he rips off her underwear and he takes some of her pubes with it. Uncle Waldo: Why,I say there, now. [offscreen] Maybe we'd betterfind another place, huh? Duchess: Oh, no more, please. Clopin and Chorus: [singing] BellsofNotreDame! Hold on. And I think this young manis very handsome. [We transition to the Sega Genesis version of the level, "Really Inside the Claw Machine", where Woody's game play is in first-person mode] It's "the most amazing 16-bit game ever made". Born in April of 1811, he was the We give the first few rows garbage bags. Roquefort: Must keep still. You should pronounce my name correctly. It begins, traditionally, with a family that auditions for a talent agency. Duchess: Now, now, darlings. I heard them! WebThe joke itself is very simple. Subscribe for more terrible shit! Quick, kittens! The husband, he plays chess with Timmy - and then the maid comes in with strawberries and whipped cream, and they all eat a nice dessert. Fisherman's luck. As I'm singing, "What'll I Have That I Don't Mario Cantone: Where'd that note go? Look, Frou-Frou. Billy Boss: So? Toulouse: Is there anything we can do tohelp you,Mr. O'Malley, huh? Don't mindif I do. Duchess:Berlioz, come back here. O'Malley: No, no. Ooh! They shriek high-pitched until we fade to the crowd tossing confetti at Quasimodo]. Where did these people find employment! Thieves: [singing] Welcome to the Forty Thieves! Now, run along downstairs. Bakin' Bacon with Macon But that's a whole other story. Toulouse: Get her, Berlioz! Mysterious Cat-napperAbducts Family of Cats." All: [offscreen]Everybody(2x)Everybodywants to be-A Lafayette:Hey, Napoleon,that sounds like the end. [offscreen]Toulouse? And come to think of it, O'Malley,you're not a cat, you're a rat. How are you doing that? ', Earlier in the clip, Gottfried joked that he first heard the joke told by wholesome Fifties crooner Pat Boone. ". Come on. Berlioz: Look, guys! That's good. Don't fuss over me. The shift in editing over to pages for the movies, characters, actors, directors, composers, crew and galleries is now fully in effect. All right. Berlioz: Yeah, man. [onscreen]Tell him O'Malley sent youand you won't have a bit of trouble. Now, come on. Duchess? It's like Curly in the Stooges. And the agent says, "Well, what do you call them?" Lafayette:Well, c'est la guerre,Napoleon. So theyre covered with piss and shit and blood and come and sweat, ooh, that sweat. Edgar Balthazar: Whoa, Frou-Frou, whoa. But right now it's time we concerned ourselveswith self-improvement. And then my daughter comes on stage. You know. Absolutely. The- this family walks into a talent agency. Only for those aged 17 and older. I like Uncle Waldo. Where are you? And I always throw in that. You eitherare or you're not. Another cat slides a hook under the harness. Kittens? Mark Elliott: "Toy Story". O'Malley: [sighs] Duchess, there's something I need to ask you. Amelia: Uncle Waldo. Edgar Balthazar: What the?! Brainless lunatic! Napoleon: Wait a minute, that's funny. And beyond! Don't worry. That's onlya little frog, my love. [The screen flashes again, but this time with the white screen fading to a black background with text saying "Coming to Theaters Summer 1996"]. O'Malley: I'm all right,Duchess,honey. Double delicious! He tears himself free and forces the door open and falls over backwards. Toulouse: I was havinga funny dream. Duchess: So, why won't you join us,Monsieur Roquefort? Its an opportunity for the grossest part of a comics brain to go wild. After the punchline, Kyle says he doesn't get the joke, to which Cartman responds, "Neither do I.". Oh, are you all right? Abigail & Amelia: [ Laughing ] [offscreen]That's stick together. Let's be nice to our new friends. [Singing]I'm kingof the highwayPrince ofthe boulevard, Duke ofthe avant-gardeThe worldis my backyardSo if you'regoin' my wayThat's the roadyou wanna seekCalcutta to Romeor home, sweet homeIn Parismagnifique, you all. Amelia! 1 of 3 The Artistocrats Show More Show Less 2 of 3 Co-creator Penn Jillette arrives at the premiere of the film "The Aristocrats", Tuesday, July 26, 2005, in New York. This is reallynot lady like. I-- I couldnever leave her. Kittens! Why, that's terrible! It's creme de la cremeala Edgar. Come here, my darlings. O'Malley: Well, humans don't really worrytoo much about their pets. Next After it! Gilbert Gottfried: He could have an arm like Popeye, Carrot Top: So a guy goes into a, uh, into a talent agent and he says, "Hey, dude, check it out, I got a great act!" Duchess: Now, now, my darling. Ow! What do you call the act?" O'Malley: Keep your head up, Marie! Madame Adelaide Bonfamille:You know, Georges, if Edgarhad only known about the will,I'm sure he neverwould have left. Roquefort: I've got to find him. O'Malley: I'll bet they're onthat magic carpet right now. Which pets liveon cream and loving pats? [2] When told to audiences who know the punch line, the joke's humor depends on the described outrageousness of the family act.[3][4]. Duchess: [ Singing ]If you wantto turn me onPlay your hornDon't spare the toneAnd blow a little soulinto the tune, O'Malley: [ Singing ]Let's take itto another key, Scat Cat: [ Singing ]Modulateand wait for meI'll take a few ad-libsand pretty soon, O'Malley: [ offscreen; singing ]The other cats will all commenceCongregatin'on the fenceBeneath the alley'sonly light, Duchess: [ Singing ]Where every note isOut of sight. Napoleon: Wha-Wha--What's goin' on? Berlioz: Oh, boy! 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